In more than 30 years of working with couples, I have had a front-row seat to healing and restoration, and it never stops being a joy to watch God show up in a marriage. Some years ago I worked with a couple who had finally reached retirement, the "golden" chapter they had worked so hard for, and found they no longer enjoyed each other. They were living in two different cities, the lawyers had been hired and the papers were waiting for signatures. Then one of them asked, "Are we sure?" They decided their marriage deserved one more honest effort, so we met for a marriage counseling intensive halfway between their two homes. They came ready and willing, and they left hopeful: understanding each other in a new way, listening differently, sharing a common language for conflict and dreaming about their future again.
That couple was ready for marriage counseling. But some couples are not ready yet, and it is not because they don't love each other or don't want help. It is because something else has to be addressed first. In those situations, couples counseling can do more harm than good if it begins too soon. A good marriage counselor will screen for these five things at the very beginning.
1. Unrepentant infidelity
If one spouse is currently in an affair, whether emotional, romantic or sexual, it would not be fair or safe to ask the other spouse to become vulnerable and emotionally open again. When affections and loyalties are divided, marriage counseling cannot work. The outside relationship has to be completely ended, with no contact, and the betrayed spouse needs enough evidence to trust that it is over. How that assurance is given is something we can talk through at the intake.
Notice the word unrepentant. Repentance means the spouse who had the affair acknowledges that it was wrong, recognizes the pain it caused, is willing to be truthful (with the guidance of a seasoned counselor about what is helpful to share and what is not) and welcomes more accountability while trust is rebuilt. Both spouses share responsibility for the temperature of a marriage, but the spouse who chose infidelity is 100% responsible for that choice.
Here is the hopeful part: when there is repentance, there are choices. Infidelity does not automatically mean divorce. Repentance gives the betrayed spouse the freedom to decide whether the marriage is worth repairing, and I have seen many marriages come through it stronger than before.
2. Domestic violence
The goal of marriage counseling is to help a marriage become a safe haven, a soft place to fall, and a secure base where each of you knows the other has your back. Domestic violence is the opposite of that, and the two cannot coexist.
It is important to know that domestic violence and anger management struggles are not the same thing, and your counselor should know the difference and assess for it. A person who is abusive does not take responsibility for their behavior. They blame-shift ("If you hadn't ___, I wouldn't have had to ___"), minimize ("You're so dramatic, you're too sensitive") and use power and fear to get their way. In a healthy marriage, both spouses can show up and be heard without fear. A person who struggles with anger, on the other hand, usually shows remorse, admits the behavior was wrong and is willing to get help, and a counselor can help the couple work out how to handle those tense moments together.
When there is domestic violence, including verbal and emotional abuse and manipulation, couples counseling should wait. The spouse who has been harmed needs individual support first to create a safety plan and healthy boundaries, and the spouse who has been abusive needs a specialized treatment program. If you are in danger, please reach out to the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233.
3. An unaddressed pattern of substance abuse
When alcohol, marijuana or other substances are used habitually, they can replace a person's natural personality, motivation and willingness to reach for their spouse. These substances take the front part of the brain offline, the part we use to reason, solve problems, manage conflict and make choices that line up with our faith and values. What is left are the back-brain responses of self-protection: fight, flight or freeze.
In many couples, substance use shows up again and again in the disconnect cycle. One spouse escalates (fight), the other pulls away (flight), or both get stuck (freeze). Often one spouse ends up carrying most of the emotional and practical load of the marriage, which makes a safe, secure bond very hard to build. Without a sustained period of sobriety, marriage counseling will not work. A seasoned counselor will help create a plan first, and often the work begins with the other spouse learning healthier boundaries and letting go of codependent patterns. The SAMHSA National Helpline (1-800-662-4357) is free, confidential and available any time.
4. Illegal behavior
This can overlap with the others, but it needs its own mention. Asking a spouse to stay engaged in the marriage while knowing about ongoing illegal behavior can make them an accomplice and expose them to consequences of their own. If there are children in the home, protecting them comes first. Depending on the situation, a counselor may need to help create enough separation for the other spouse and the children to be safe while the offending spouse takes steps to stop the behavior.
5. Unstabilized mental health
Many wonderful marriages include a spouse who lives with depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, PTSD or another mental health condition. Having a diagnosis does not mean you can't do marriage counseling. When a condition is stable and being treated, couples work can be a real gift, because it helps both of you understand what is happening and how to support each other.
What needs to come first is stability. If one spouse is in a mental health crisis, has stopped treatment, or is struggling with symptoms that make it hard to stay present, regulate emotions or think clearly, the intense emotional work of marriage counseling can be overwhelming and even harmful. In those seasons, the first step is individual care with a psychiatrist, physician or individual counselor, so that the spouse who is struggling has the support and treatment they need. Once things are stable, we can begin the work on the marriage together, and it often goes much better for having waited.
If you or your spouse is having thoughts of suicide, please call or text 988, the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline, any time.
There is hope
Here is the good news: every one of these challenges can be addressed. When they are, marriage counseling can work, and couples can build the safe, secure bond God designed for marriage. I have walked with many couples who faced these very things, and seeing their restoration is some of the most fulfilling work I do. Many of them find a deeper connection than they ever had before, precisely because of the hard road they walked back to each other. Restoration takes two spouses willing to do the work, a seasoned counselor who knows the path, and an almighty God.
If none of these five apply to you, that is good news too. You may simply be stuck in a painful cycle, and that is exactly what my Marriage Made Whole intensive is designed for: two focused days with me, followed by six months of support, so the change lasts. Couples talk about seeking help for an average of four years before they find it. You don't have to wait that long.
Take the first step
Let's talk. Book a free 30-minute consultation, and we will look together at where your marriage is and what kind of help makes sense right now. If you are still deciding, you can also download my free ebook, 6 Things to Consider When Choosing Marriage Counseling.
Learn more about the Marriage Made Whole intensive →
Frequently asked questions
Can marriage counseling make things worse?
It can if it starts before certain issues are addressed, such as an ongoing affair, domestic violence, active substance abuse, illegal behavior or a mental health crisis. That is why a good counselor screens for these first. When they are addressed, counseling can help couples rebuild a safe, secure connection.
Do marriage counselors take sides?
A good marriage counselor works for the marriage, not for one spouse. Couples do best when both spouses feel safe and understood by their counselor.
Does Christian marriage counseling work?
Research on Emotionally Focused Therapy, the foundation of my approach, shows about 90% of couples significantly improve. I integrate it with a faith-based view of marriage, at the level each couple is comfortable with. Here is how Christian marriage counseling differs from regular counseling.
What if my spouse had an affair? Is our marriage over?
Not necessarily. When the affair has ended and there is real repentance, the betrayed spouse can decide whether the marriage is worth repairing, and many couples do rebuild trust.
How do we know if we are ready?
Schedule a free 30-minute consultation and we will talk through it together. You can also read 7 signs you’re ready for marriage counseling.
Love well,
Dr Shanon