Fighting can actually be a very healthy way to build knowing and intimacy in a marriage, if it's done well. Yep. I promise!
When couples sit down in my office and tell me, "Oh, we never fight," or "My parents never fought," I have to ask: is that really the goal? Two people with two personalities, two opinions, two perspectives and two life stories are going to cross paths at some point. Conflict is a normal part of married life. It is impossible for two people to agree on everything.
The goal isn't to stop fighting
So the goal isn't that couples never fight. The goal is to fight in a way that feels safe and secure for both of you, and to come back together afterward with real closure and reconnection. In my book, Naked and Exposed, I call this a healthy protest system: a way to voice your concerns, needs and hurts without hurting each other.
When that's missing, couples slip into a rigid, negative fight cycle. Protests start fights instead of bringing comfort, unresolved issues pile up, and over time the cycle wears away the safety, closeness and satisfaction in the marriage.
Research backs this up. Dr. John Gottman and Dr. Robert Levenson followed couples for 14 years and found that the way couples handled conflict predicted which marriages would end in divorce. Couples stuck in an attack-and-defend pattern tended to divorce earlier, while couples who shut down and avoided their feelings tended to divorce later. Both patterns can change, and that is good news.
What you fight about vs. how you fight
Two things happen in every marriage. First, there are the issues you fight about: money, sex, in-laws, parenting, time. Often it's an event, a look, a tone or a word that replays history over and over. Second, there is how you fight about them. If you take the time to map out your disconnect cycle, you'll usually find it becomes the same dance, no matter what the topic is.
Why you react the way you do
When an argument heats up, most of us become emotionally flooded. The back of the brain takes over, and we fight, flee or freeze. A fighter gets louder and pushes for an answer. A flighter pulls away to make it stop. A freezer goes blank. They look very different on the outside, but both spouses are equally distressed. Neither of you is the enemy. The cycle is.
Why "fight fair" rules don't hold up
A lot of counselors jump straight to the issues. Let's negotiate, compromise and agree on how each of you will act when your mother-in-law comes to visit. That rarely works. Let's be honest: outside the counseling room, emotions run high, and the agreement goes out the window.
First we have to change the dance itself, so the two of you can stay connected even when you're upset. Then the hard topics can be talked through in a safe and secure way.
What a healthy fight looks like
You bring up a concern clearly, without attacking.
You listen to your spouse's side, even when you see it differently.
You show empathy and respect, and steer clear of contempt or brushing each other off.
You work toward a solution together, as a team.
You end the conversation reconnected, not just at a truce.
You get outside help when you need it.
Want to hear more? I walk through healthy protest on my podcast in Naked & Exposed Episode 6: Proper Protest Systems – Managing Conflict.
How we work on this together
Changing the fight cycle is the heart of my work with couples. In my Marriage Made Whole™ intensive, we map your cycle together and practice new ways of reaching for each other, so conflict brings you closer instead of pulling you apart. Then, through Marriage Momentum, you keep practicing those tools for six months with my support.
Let's talk
If the two of you keep having the same fight, you don't have to stay stuck. Book a free 30-minute consultation, and we'll talk about where your marriage is and what kind of help makes the most sense.
Love well,
Dr Shanon
Frequently asked questions
Is it normal for married couples to fight?
Yes. Conflict is a normal part of married life. What matters is whether your arguments end in reconnection or leave you more disconnected.
What is a fight cycle?
The repeating pattern a couple falls into during conflict, such as one spouse pushing while the other pulls away. It tends to look the same no matter what the topic is.
Why do we keep having the same fight?
Usually because the cycle hasn't changed. Until the two of you change how you fight, the same topics keep setting off the same dance.
Can counseling help us stop fighting?
Counseling can help you fight differently: safely, with understanding, and with a way back to each other.
How do we get started?
Book a free 30-minute consultation.