When a couple calls me after an affair has come to light, the first question I usually hear is some version of, "Can our marriage really survive this?" Sometimes it comes from the spouse who was betrayed, quietly and through tears, and sometimes it comes from the spouse who had the affair, who desperately wants to fix what they broke and has no idea where to start. My honest answer is that many marriages do survive infidelity, and some couples go on to build a marriage that is more honest and more connected than the one they had before. That kind of healing does not happen by accident, though, and it almost never happens by simply waiting for the pain to fade.
What an affair actually breaks
An affair hurts because of the lie, the secrecy and the other person, but underneath all of that it breaks something even deeper, which is the sense of safety and security in your marriage. God designed us for connection, and attachment science tells us the same thing, that we are wired to need one person we can run to who will be there when we reach. When that person turns out to be the one who hurt you, your heart and your brain do not know where to go.
That is why the hurt spouse often asks the same questions again and again. "Where were you? Who were you texting? Is there anything else I do not know?" To the spouse who had the affair, it can feel like being put on trial every single day, but those questions come from a brain that is trying to protect itself and figure out whether it is safe to let love back in. Underneath every one of them are the questions that really matter:
"Can I believe you?"
"Do I matter to you?"
"Will you protect our marriage, even when no one is watching?"
"If I let you back in, will I be safe?"
Why time alone does not heal an affair
Many couples hope that if they stop talking about it and give it enough time, the hurt will fade on its own. I understand why, because these conversations are exhausting and both of you want your life back. Time alone does not rebuild trust, though. Repair does. When an affair is swept under the rug, the hurt tends to go underground and come back out later in arguments that seem to be about the dishes or the budget or the phone, when they are really about the question that never got answered.
Forgiveness and trust are not the same thing
This is one of the most important things I teach Christian couples after an affair, because so many hurt spouses carry a heavy load of guilt. They have been told, sometimes from a pulpit and sometimes by well-meaning friends, that if they have really forgiven, they should be able to trust again right away. Scripture calls us to "be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you" (Ephesians 4:32), and forgiveness is a beautiful and freeing gift. Forgiveness is something you give, and trust is something that is rebuilt over time through trustworthy actions. You can forgive your spouse and still need time, honesty and consistency before your heart feels safe again, and that does not mean your faith is weak!
First things first: the affair has to end
Before any of this healing work can begin, the affair needs to be completely over, with no contact. If the betrayal is still ongoing, that needs to be addressed first, because healing cannot begin while the wound is still being made. This is also why our intake process screens for a current affair, abuse, active addiction or unstable mental health before we begin couples work, and I explain the reasons in why marriage counseling sometimes should not happen yet. If you are not sure whether the two of you are there yet, are we ready for marriage counseling? may help you sort it out.
What a repair conversation sounds like
In the Intimacy For Life Method®, repair happens over many conversations, and each one is a chance to rebuild a little more safety between you. The spouse who had the affair learns to stay present with their partner's pain without getting defensive, and to ask questions like, "What has this been like for you?" and "Is there anything else you want me to know?" Over time they can ask, "What can I do that would help you feel safer with me?" and then follow through, again and again, even on the days when it feels like nothing is changing.
The hurt spouse has work to do too, and it is tender work. Anger is real and it makes sense, but anger often sits on top of something softer, and healing comes when the hurt spouse can risk reaching underneath it to say, "I feel scared," or "I feel like I do not matter." When that vulnerable reach is met with comfort instead of defensiveness, something begins to shift between you!
How a marriage intensive helps after infidelity
Weekly counseling can help, but after an affair many couples find that one hour a week feels like opening a wound and closing it again before anything has a chance to heal. In a Marriage Made Whole intensive, we spend concentrated time together over several days, so you can slow down, have these hard conversations with support, and actually finish them. Our time together includes forgiveness, self-examination, and amends and reconciliation, all rooted in Scripture and in emotionally focused therapy.
Research on emotionally focused therapy shows that about 90% of couples significantly improve and 70 to 75% move from distress to recovery. My own doctoral research studied Christian couples one year after they completed a faith-integrated, emotionally focused marriage intensive, and our intensive is informed by what I learned. One spouse shared this after the program:
"My spouse had lost trust in me and I wasn't trustworthy in our relationship. During our time in the program, we experienced deeper communication in a safe environment. Since then the trust in the relationship has been restored."
There is hope
If your marriage has been shaken by an affair, please hear me when I say that you do not have to figure this out alone, and you do not have to decide today whether your marriage will make it. The first step is simply a conversation. Schedule your free 30-minute consultation and we will talk about where you are, what you need and whether an intensive is the right next step for the two of you.
"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds." Psalm 147:3
Love well,
Dr Shanon
Frequently asked questions
Can a Christian marriage survive an affair?
Yes, many marriages do survive infidelity. Healing takes more than time, though. It takes an ended affair, honest repair conversations, and trust that is rebuilt through trustworthy actions.
If I have forgiven my spouse, why can I not trust them yet?
Forgiveness and trust are not the same thing. Forgiveness is something you give, and trust is rebuilt over time through honesty and consistency, so needing time to feel safe again does not mean your faith is weak.
Should we start counseling if the affair is still going on?
The affair needs to end first, with no contact. Healing cannot begin while the wound is still being made, which is why our intake screens for a current affair before couples work begins.
Is a marriage intensive a good fit after infidelity?
For many couples it is, because concentrated time over several days lets you have the hard conversations with support and actually finish them, instead of stopping after one hour each week.
How do we get started?
Schedule a free 30-minute consultation and we will talk about where you are and what the right next step is for the two of you.