In my post on when marriage counseling shouldn't happen yet, I shared five situations that need to be addressed before couples counseling can begin. I promised then to talk about the other side: what makes a couple ready. After more than 30 years of working with couples, I can tell you that the couples who do best are not the ones with the smallest problems. They are the ones who come ready and willing. Here is what that looks like.
1. You both want help, even if one of you is more hopeful
Restoration takes two willing spouses. You don't both have to feel equally hopeful, and it is very common for one of you to be more eager than the other. What matters is that both of you are willing to show up and give the process an honest try. A spouse who comes in skeptical but willing is often more ready than they think.
2. You are willing to look at your own part
In most marriages, both spouses are caught in a cycle that neither one created alone. Couples who are ready stop asking only, "How do I get my spouse to change?" and start asking, "What happens in me when we get stuck, and how do I respond?" The cycle is the enemy, not your partner.
3. You want to fight for the "us"
You may be hurt, tired and frustrated with each other. That is normal. But somewhere underneath, you still want the marriage to work. You want to honor your covenant and get back to the safe, connected love you once had. That desire, even if it is small right now, is a powerful place to start.
4. You are ready to commit to the process
One of the biggest reasons counseling doesn't work is that couples stop too soon. Life gets busy, appointments get missed, and couples quit right before the relief comes. Being ready means making the work a priority for a season. That is one reason I created my Marriage Made Whole intensive: two focused days that keep momentum going, followed by six months of support so the change lasts.
5. Safety comes first, and it is in place
If there is an ongoing affair, abuse, active addiction, illegal behavior or a mental health crisis, those need care first. If those have been addressed, or were never part of your story, you are in a good place to begin couples work.
6. You are open to new ways of relating
Couples who do well are willing to try something different: to slow down in an argument, to share the softer feelings underneath the anger, and to practice new ways of reaching for each other. You don't need to know how yet. That is what counseling is for.
7. You have hope, or you want to find it
Some couples come to me with plenty of hope. Others come with almost none, wondering if it is too late. Both are welcome. If you are willing to borrow some hope for a while, I am happy to hold it for you until you can hold it yourselves.
What if only one of us is ready?
This is one of the most common questions I hear, and it is a painful place to be. I work with couples only, because restoration takes both spouses. If your spouse isn't ready yet, here are a few gentle next steps:
Talk with your spouse about what you hope for, without pressure or ultimatums.
Invite your spouse to join a free 30-minute consultation, simply to ask questions.
Consider individual counseling for yourself, so you have support while you wait.
Start with free resources you can explore together, like my podcast, The Love Leading Podcast, or my free ebook, 6 Things to Consider When Choosing Marriage Counseling.
Sometimes a hesitant spouse feels differently once they understand what counseling will and won't be.
You don't have to have it all figured out
You don't need to show up with perfect communication or a clear plan. You only need to be willing. Couples talk about seeking help for an average of four years before they find it. If you see yourselves in these signs, you are ready to take the next step.
Let's talk
Book a free 30-minute consultation, and we will look together at where your marriage is and whether the Marriage Made Whole intensive, Marriage Momentum sessions or something else is the right fit for the two of you.
Learn more about the Marriage Made Whole intensive →
Love well,
Dr Shanon
Frequently asked questions
How do we know if we need marriage counseling?
If the same arguments keep coming back, you feel lonely or disconnected, trust has been broken, or you have tried to fix things on your own without lasting change, it is worth talking with a marriage counselor.
Do we both have to want counseling?
Restoration takes two willing spouses. You don't have to feel equally hopeful, but both of you need to be willing to show up and try.
What if my spouse refuses to go?
Talk about what you hope for without pressure, invite them to a free consultation just to ask questions, and consider individual counseling for yourself in the meantime.
Is it ever too late for marriage counseling?
Many couples come in when divorce is already on the table. If both spouses are willing and safety issues are addressed, there is still hope.
How do we get started?
Book a free 30-minute consultation.